I am a huge fan of the #TodayShow. I try and watch it every weekday morning, I love the way it is set up and usually the topics are great and the advice is even better.... Today, on the Today Show (see what I did there..?) they had Allison Williams, a star on Girls. Personally, I've never seen the show.... But apparently Allison's character was a perfectionist, but slowly started being less and less so.... Allison while referring to her character says " I think she will actually need to fall apart completely, before becoming a human in a functioning way." She goes on to talk about forgiving yourself and learning to love your flaws..
This is my husband, Austin and I. I can't tell you how strange those two words sound together. "My husband." In March of 2012, one of my oldest friends was in town and we went to Vail with old "friends". At the time, I felt like I was having so much fun. Half of the trip was filled with being ridiculously wasted. I spent the days drinking and the nights drinking more. I never thought that I would be married less than a year later. In months before, I was doing similar things. Six months in Texas were such a blur. I remember being so alone, so sad, trying to find someone to be with, to start a family with, to just be normal with.
Back to March. I thought I wanted to be with my high school boyfriend forever. I didnt know what forever was. I thought forever meant settling. I thought forever meant partial happiness. We would have terrible fights. We had been fighting about all the time we spent apart, all the time we spent together, and all the time. He never believed me, because when I didn't hear from him, I would go out, go on dates, pretty much do the exact opposite of what I had been telling him I didn't want. Everything that came out of my mouth was such a contradiction. I couldn't stay in on the weekends because I hated living at my parents house. I thought about moving out, but because of all the money I had spent in Texas, I just couldn't afford to pay all my credit card bills and rent, I stayed there. But instead of saving money, I'd only spend more, especially because of all the money I was making while working for my parents. I hate to publicly admit it, but I had in about two years spent $25,000, and I was fortunate enough to have my mom pay everything off for me.
Meeting Austin, I learned that happiness can't be found in new clothes or drinking, happiness comes from within, and when I felt good about myself, I could finally feel good about life, and I could finally be in love and be happy..
I've made some terrible choices, and I've made some great choices. The best choice I ever made was to forgive myself. By doing that, I've been able to open my heart and finally feel happy with what I have.